Attraction and desirability are two things that come up a lot when discussing intimate relationship development, loneliness, and that longing for companionship that so many of us experience. When I talk to some of my clients, particularly the men who are struggling to understand why they aren't finding the kind of connection they're looking for, there's often a preconceived notion of what they need to become before they're worthy of that connection.
Typically, it's some variation of being stronger, richer, more muscular, or more successful. We've been sold a very specific version of masculinity that tells men if they want to be desirable, they need to become the guy who can provide everything, protect everybody, and afford a particular lifestyle.
And I get it. There's a lot of content out there reinforcing that idea. But when I speak to my lady clients, I can't help but notice that if all of this were true, many of the women in successful relationships would be partnered with rich, muscular men who spoil them with expensive things and treat them like objects instead of people.
That's not what I see. I've been to several weddings. I've got friends in successful, long-term relationships. And when I look at what seems to draw people to one another and keep them together, I see something that doesn't get nearly as much attention as physical appearance or financial status: their interests, their passions, and the things they care about outside of finding somebody to care about them.
I think we're so caught up in the performance of desirability that we've stopped asking what actually makes someone desirable to spend time with.
The Problem With the Masculinity We're Selling
Social media has made it easier than ever to find content telling men exactly what they need to do to attract women. Make more money. Get bigger. Become the provider. And while there are certainly people who prioritize those qualities in a partner, I think we've gotten so caught up in those expectations that we've started treating attraction like a formula.
Even with all the counterarguments available, we still seem to struggle with the idea that a woman might want to be with a man because she genuinely enjoys him as a person.
There's a new movie generating conversation around this very subject, and while I haven't seen it yet, I've seen the discourse surrounding it. The character is traditionally attractive, and I think some of the conversation risks reducing the point to the idea that if you're attractive and made of wicker, women will like you.
But that's not the part I'm interested in.
I'm interested in why we're so quick to reduce attraction to physical characteristics when we're talking about something as complex as a long-term relationship. Physical attraction might get somebody's attention, but what happens when you actually have to spend time with that person? What happens when you're trying to figure out what to do together on a Saturday afternoon, navigate a difficult season, or simply coexist without needing to entertain each other every minute?
What is the relationship actually built on?
We talk a great deal about men having value outside of their financial contributions, and I agree with that wholeheartedly. A man is more than his paycheck. But then some of these same conversations about dating women reduce the woman on the other side of the relationship to a checklist of services she's expected to provide.
And I think we need to sit with that contradiction for a minute.
A Man Is Not a Dollar, and a Woman Is Not Free Labor
Even if I believe the gender wars are a psyop of sorts, I still think they're effective at shaping how we understand relationships, mutual responsibility, and appreciation within a capitalist system.
Men are told to measure their desirability through their income, status, and ability to provide. Women are often told to measure theirs through their appearance, domestic skills, and ability to support a man emotionally. Somewhere in all of that, we lose sight of the fact that we're talking about people.
In the same way that a man doesn't want to be seen as a dollar sign, a woman isn't free labor.
And I say that as somebody who's been guilty of this kind of thinking, too.
A friend of mine calls them the invisible skill set. These are the things someone does in a relationship that can become so routine that we stop recognizing them as contributions at all. She cooks, cleans, remembers appointments, organizes the household, provides emotional support, or helps care for children. Sometimes, these things come up in descriptions of what a man wants in a woman as though they're simply part of the package.
But imagine flipping those expectations around. Imagine telling a man you want him to make a certain amount of money, maintain a particular lifestyle, provide housing, cover your expenses, and make sure you never have to worry about the practical realities of being an adult. How many of those same men would be comfortable with that arrangement if they felt their entire value in the relationship was being measured by what they could financially provide?
We can acknowledge that financial stability matters without pretending that everything else somebody contributes is somehow less valuable.
There's nothing inherently wrong with wanting a traditional relationship arrangement. If you want to be the breadwinner and have a partner who focuses on the home, that's a perfectly legitimate structure for two consenting adults to choose. But we need to have the whole conversation.
If you're the sole breadwinner, you're taking on a significant financial responsibility. At the same time, your partner may be taking on responsibilities that limit her ability to earn an income, pursue her own goals, or maintain financial independence. That can put her in a vulnerable position if the relationship ends or circumstances change.
Does she have access to money of her own? Can she maintain her interests outside the relationship? Does she have the freedom to spend time with friends or develop a skill without feeling as though she's neglecting you? Are you actually taking care of her, or have you simply created a situation where she takes care of you in exchange for being allowed to depend on you?
Those are important questions, because providing financially doesn't automatically mean you're meeting all of your partner's needs.
And not everybody can afford to provide the kind of financial arrangement that would support this level of dependency. That's who I really want to speak to: the men who may be holding themselves to a standard they can't meet while overlooking the qualities they already have that could make them a wonderful partner.
Your Hobbies Are Doing More Work Than You Think
Let's take money, physical appearance, and all those other external markers off the table for a moment.
Assume everything is as it is right now. You haven't changed your haircut, gained ten pounds of muscle, or received a promotion. You're the same person you were yesterday.
Now imagine somebody tells you that tomorrow, you're going on a blind date with someone they think would be perfect for you.
What do they know about you that makes them think you'd be a good match for somebody else?
Do you make people laugh? Do you build things for your partner's zany projects? Do you enjoy teaching people things, exploring new places, discussing ideas, or figuring out how something works? Are you somebody who can turn an ordinary afternoon into a good memory?
These things might seem insignificant when you're comparing yourself to somebody with a six-figure salary and a personal trainer. But they matter when you're trying to figure out what it would actually be like to share your life with another person.
And this is why I think having interests outside of dating is so important.
I'm not saying you need to become some extraordinary person with a fascinating collection of hobbies just to be worthy of a relationship. You don't need to monetize your interests, turn your hobbies into a personal brand, or become exceptionally good at something before somebody can love you.
You do, however, need to have some idea of who you are and what you enjoy.
Being interested in gaming, for instance, can mean a lot of different things. You might enjoy playing video games with your friends after work. You might travel to gaming conventions across the country. You might be interested in competitive gaming or working toward a career in the industry.
Those are all legitimate interests, but they describe different lifestyles, commitments, expenses, and expectations for how you might spend your time with a partner.
There's a difference between enjoying something occasionally and building your life around it. Neither is inherently better than the other. Understanding that difference helps you figure out what kind of relationship might fit into your life.
If you don't know what your own lifestyle looks like, how can you reasonably expect to identify somebody whose lifestyle is compatible with yours?
"I'm Better in Person" Is Not a Dating Profile
This is where I think the self-appraisal becomes especially important.
A lot of people spend so much time thinking about who they want to date that they never stop to consider what dating them would actually look like. They know what they want in a partner, but they struggle to explain what makes them an appealing person to get to know.
And if you've ever tried to write a dating app bio and found yourself staring at a blank screen, you know exactly what I mean.
Sometimes, the answer is, "I'm better in person."
And look, I understand that not everybody is a natural writer. Some people are much more expressive in conversation than they are on a screen. That's fair.
But if you're seriously looking for a relationship, you need to understand that most women scrolling through a dating app are making quick decisions about whether they want to learn more about you. If you don't have a bio, you've already made it harder for somebody to form a positive impression of you. You might have done a significant amount of damage to your chances before you've even had the opportunity to demonstrate how charming you are in person.
And beyond the practical problem, there's another issue worth considering.
Your bio is a reflection of you. It's an opportunity to communicate what you enjoy, what matters to you, and what spending time with you might look like. If you don't think knowing something about you could help weed out incompatible matches and attract people who might genuinely appreciate you, I think you should take some time to sit with that.
Because the goal isn't to appeal to every woman on the app. It's to give the right people enough information to recognize that there might be something worth exploring.
You don't have to write a novel. You don't need to make yourself sound more interesting than you are. You just need to give somebody something to work with.
And if you genuinely don't know what to say about yourself, that might be a sign that the work needs to happen before you start dating, rather than during the process of trying to impress somebody else.
Start With Self-Reflection, Not Self-Improvement
When I encourage men to think about why somebody would date them, I'm not asking them to find more things to criticize about themselves. This isn't another exercise in identifying everything that's wrong with you so you can turn yourself into a more marketable product.
It's about getting to know yourself well enough to understand what you have to offer and what kind of connection you're actually looking for.
If this is your first time doing that kind of self-reflection, start small.
You don't have to figure out your entire personality in one sitting. You can begin by thinking about what makes you happy, what you value, what you do with your time, and what people who know you well might say about you.
If you need a starting point, the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) is one tool you could try. I wouldn't treat it as a scientifically definitive personality assessment or use your result as a fixed explanation for who you are. Its scientific reliability and validity have significant limitations. But if you're struggling to find words to describe yourself, it can give you some initial vocabulary to explore. Think of it as a brainstorming exercise, not a diagnosis or a box you need to fit inside.
The point is to develop a clearer understanding of yourself, not to collect a four-letter personality label and call it a day.
Here are some questions I'd encourage you to spend time with.
Questions to Ask Yourself
1. What do I genuinely enjoy doing?
Not what you think sounds impressive. Not what you think women want to hear. What activities do you choose when nobody is watching and you don't have to prove anything to anybody?
2. What can I talk about for an hour without getting bored?
Think about the topics that naturally excite you. What do you enjoy learning about, debating, building, watching, or sharing with other people?
3. What do the people closest to me appreciate about my personality?
Ask a trusted friend what they enjoy about spending time with you. Are you funny? Thoughtful? Adventurous? Reliable? Good at solving problems? Sometimes, other people can identify qualities we take for granted.
4. What does spending time with me actually look like?
Imagine somebody becoming part of your regular routine. Outside of intimacy, what would the two of you do together? Would you cook, play games, go on walks, watch movies, explore new places, work on projects, or spend time with friends? What would you want to share with them?
5. What am I passionate about that has nothing to do with dating?
What gives you a reason to get excited about your own life? What are you working toward, learning, or exploring? If you don't have an answer, what have you always wanted to try?
6. What kind of person do I enjoy being around, and why?
Look beyond appearance and status. Think about the people you genuinely enjoy spending time with. What qualities do they have? How do they make you feel? What do you appreciate about the way they interact with you?
7. What would I want to learn about a partner, even if it had nothing to do with what she could do for me?
What makes her laugh? What does she want to accomplish? What does she care about? What kind of life is she trying to build? Are you curious about her as a person, or primarily interested in how she might fit into your life?
8. What do I bring to a relationship besides money, physical attraction, or practical assistance?
Think about the experience of being around you. What kind of conversations do you have? How do you handle disagreements? How do you show appreciation? What do you contribute to the emotional environment of a relationship?
9. What parts of my life am I unwilling to compromise on, and where am I flexible?
Consider your hobbies, routines, finances, friendships, goals, and expectations around time together. Understanding these things can help you identify compatibility instead of expecting somebody to adapt to your life entirely.
10. If somebody described me to a friend they wanted to set me up with, what would I hope they said?
More importantly, what could they honestly say right now? If there's a difference between those two answers, what does that tell you about the life you're building and the person you're becoming?
You don't need perfect answers. You just need to start asking the questions.
You Don't Have to Become Somebody Else to Become More Desirable
I think we need to get away from the idea that a successful dating life is something you achieve by becoming a particular type of man.
There isn't one universal standard of masculinity that guarantees companionship. There isn't a salary threshold that makes you worthy of love, and there isn't a particular body type or collection of possessions that can substitute for understanding yourself and learning how to connect with another person.
What you can do is build a life that reflects who you are, develop interests that give you something to look forward to, and become curious about the people you want to share that life with.
You don't need to have everything figured out before you start dating. But you should be willing to think about what you're bringing into a relationship beyond your desire to be in one.
Because attraction might get somebody interested in meeting you, and financial stability might help you build a comfortable life together. But a sustainable partnership asks for more than a good first impression or the ability to pay the bills.
It asks you to know who you are, recognize who the other person is, and figure out whether the two of you genuinely want to build something together.
And if you're sitting there wondering why you can't seem to find somebody who appreciates you for who you are, I'd encourage you to start by making sure you know who that person is yourself.
Not because you need to prove your worth. Not because you need to compete with every other man on the dating market. But because it's a whole lot easier to find somebody who appreciates you when you can give them something real to appreciate.
Before you ask yourself who you want to date next, take some time to answer this: If somebody wanted to get to know me, what would I want them to discover?
That might be where your next relationship starts. Not with a bigger paycheck, a better haircut, or another attempt to become somebody else's definition of a desirable man, but with the willingness to get to know yourself well enough to let somebody else do the same.